How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
