Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
