Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
