Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
