Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
