It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
