Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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