Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
