oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have post one night stand depression
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