You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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