I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Small penises have feelings too.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
