if you like me you must not know who I am
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
