I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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