You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
