my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
