Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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