these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
