Plan B is the new Plan A
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
