she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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