My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
smell my finger.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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