you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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