peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Too much gin, very little bucket
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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