I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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