FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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