i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
