Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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