My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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