and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
