I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
