So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
