Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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