I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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