Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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