I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
