There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
