oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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