i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize