i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
