my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We were destined to go to rehab together
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
