We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
