For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
