2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
