maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize