i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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