My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Randomize
