It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
