I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
