My sheets look like a crime scene.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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