So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
