Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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