I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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