We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
