you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
