one two three fourrrrnication!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
