I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
