After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
