I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
