did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
