Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Two words: blizzard sex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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