Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
