I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
