im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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