he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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