i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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