..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
